| [March 11 2009] Dear George, Yes, I feel good too.(^-^) Thanks. My "???" was more like 'Am I forgetting something?'. And you are right, I never answered to your question. Your unanswered question is: "what is ‘re-turn’? Have you come to a previous way of thinking? Or seeing?" This is what you are still wondering about,isn't it? I am afraid that it is not something describable with words, because it is not an idea but my experience. But why don't I try anyway since being asked? I wrote 'I made a return', which was not talking about coming to a previous way. It's impossible. Plus, I am not interested in that idea at all. For such a long time I had been deeply drawn to my invalid delusion. I remember vividly that when I was traveling in my teens, I was crying and wrote 'I must escape to protect myself' on my notebook. I was so lost and desperate. And I had been desperate. I just quitted to escape. It sounds so simple, isn't it? But it was not so easy for me. I took 45years to make it. After I lost my belief in my identity,I confirmed I still exist. Then I started realizing my direction a head. "Oh, I am going to disappear..." That is why I said it was my 'returning point'. It was a commitment to myself that I am not going away from here anymore. I am on the way back to be nothing, nobody,zero. I now understood what my favorite old Japanese song was about. "going is fun fun,coming back is frightening, please pass here knowing your fear" It is such a relief to know someone was once in the same path. Love&Peace, Rin [March 10 2009] Rin, Oh, that is good. You may be wondering why I asked. ??? It is because we talked about it in our last 'please do not bend exchange' in January, but not since email, and I wondered if it was something that you had passed through altogether. It wasn't because I sensed it, only I still sometimes wonder what happened, but I know from my own experiences that I don't know what happens. A mystery. Love and Peace, George [March 10 2009] Dear George, Yes, the experience of last year has passed. ??? Rin [March 10 2009] Dear Rin, Last year you went through an experience of alienation. Has that passed away now? George [March 9 2009] Dear Night Owl, Yes, I can picture it. Your quiet party time. Your mind tunes into night reverberations. Your day time is active outwardly. That is the Rin people see. Then in the afternoon you merge with your family. Is it mostly through needs? That is my observation (pretty obvious)that mothers and wives, women in general,see the needs of others, especially their family,and respond to them. But I don't know if that is the primary response or that there is always so many needs that the time is filled up that way. Then finally around nine, things start to quiet down and you feel free to let you mind go where it will. I am somewhat opposite. Morning is my most creative time and when my mind is the clearest. So if I am painting I like to paint then, or if I am in a study I like to devote myself to it in the morning. I have been very fortunate that lately I have not had to get up early in the morning to go to a job. Around noon there is a shift, the best is over, but I can press on if I want to. Usually however I want to go do my physical work in the field, with the plants. Three or four pm is another shift, I coast along for a while and like to talk with people if there is someone around, but a more meaningful conversation I prefer the morning. In the evening after dinner I like to read or converse or listen to music or watch a movie, go to sleep around 10:30 or 11. Then I usually wake up sometime in the middle of the night. If it has been a very active day I will often reflect on it. This is not so much voluntary, more like required reflection, or I feel the need to meditate or pray. Sometimes I never really go back to sleep or briefly before morning. I like that time in the middle of the night because it is so still. In Italy they say good night at the beginning of the night not the end, like have a good night, more like saying good morning first thing when you greet someone, Good Morning, Good Night, George [March 9 2009] Dear George, I have been a typical night owl since I was a baby. I usually have more energy in the evening. I only go to sleep because I have to wake up early. In the morning, my brain is not fully awake. I try to keep my morning away from any interactions with people as much as possible. And I do things that I don't need to use my brain much. I just follow the list of the day with motion. As one by one I check my list, my brain starts waking. In the afternoon, my schedule moves around my family's needs. Maybe around 9pm or so,my day starts.(that's how I feel.) My brain wants to do so much at night. It is funny that this most active time produces least result shown. People asked me what I am doing so late. I have no idea what I am doing but being active quietly. It's my private party time. Around 2am,I force myself to sleep for the next day...even though I often fail to do so. How about yours? Rin [March 8, 2009] Hi Rin, The tinnitus has been around twenty year but I have been noticing it more now, especially when I was sick and laying down in the quiet night, which I realized was not quiet in my head.I think it may be more now than it was in general. I was thinking of it because it is a reverberation and the question, what is it I am hearing? Something is reverberating. But what I want to ask you is a different kind of question. I mean different from what has been the normal course of our conversation, which has had to do with art and ideas and phenomena which is not so much of the day to day. And so I wonder about Rin. I see the times of your messages are often late at night and I wonder what is your day like. What is a typical day for you? Love and Peace, George p.s. maybe it does cause headaches. i do have some but I do not know the cause [March 7, 2009] Dear George, 'tintinabulation' is rin!? Thank you for finding my English name. Now I can explain to people about the meaning of my name with one word. How long have you been with tinnitus? I hope it is not causing you a headache. Rin [March 5, 2009] Dear Rin, I like this word, tintinabulation, a big word that means the same thing as rin. I found it because I was looking in the dictionary for tinnitus. Tintinabulation comes from tintinabulum which means a small ringing bell. I have tinnitus. It was caused from working with loud machinery for many years. Now my head is a bell with constant ringing in it. It is a bell of the type that you described to me, the original one that does not have a clacker in it but it is the sound of the wind running along the interior. Love and Peace, George [March 3 2009] Thank you Rin, I see now. The idea and the becoming of the idea are all one weaving. No loose threads. This is so much of the nature of the idea,a multitude of reverberations weaving together. Your favorite story is also the most original. I had no preconceived notion of writing a story. It was as if the painting told the story to me. It was the first. Love, George [March 3 2009] Dear George, I've been thinking the answer to your question. "How did I come to see life as the reverberation of all individuals?". I tried to figure it out, but I cannot find the way to tell you about it. I feel that every answers came up on my thoughts are not quite accurate. It could be this or that or not at all... Your question is basically how I came to see the world as I see. Maybe you can figure the answer to your question by tracing my thinking. We only sense the information that we somehow choose to. I don't know how or why I choose the information as I do. In the same way, I don't know how I choose to see the world as I do. The world I see is a concept translated by 'I',is not the actual world. Before 'I', the world was not divided. Since we started having a sense of 'I',the world has been divided. Everything 'I' create is a great delusion. As long as 'I' exist,'I' continue to create the world of delusion. Thus, everything what I say or think is my delusion. Many of us have difficulties to accept that our realities are delusions. There is no point to argue whose delusion is the right one. I painted "Hope and Despair",which is every sentient standing on the top of each mountain alone, was inspired by this delusion. And I see that the painting "What we've got"is also relate to this topic. Your story inspired by this painting is my favorite. Love&Peace, Rin [March 1 2009] Dear Rin, Hi, how are you? I am still wondering how you came to see life as the reverberation of all individuals. Did it come to you from a sudden experience,or was it intuitively developed over time, or was it something that you always innately knew within yourself, or was it by some other ways or compliment of ways? Is there anything that you can tell me about this? There have been some occasions that I have had the experience of life as a symphonic whole (that is the closest way I can put it but it was more like my being was in tune with the reverberation of life, and I don't know how to determine to what extent this is subjective) during those moments and for a time afterward I have a great sense of well being. Love and Peace, George |
| March 1 --- 11 2009 |